Expectations vs reality.

Nearly two months ago, I slipped on my glitter heels and swiped my badge for the last time. I was a big girl with a big girl job.

Choosing to resign with little savings and no further plan is not exactly trendy. I wouldn't encourage most to try it out.

Treatment has been monotonous and mainly uneventful. Some lovingly ask if I feel better yet. I don't. Activities the average young adult can tackle in a day are physically taxing for me. Monday, I caught up with a friend. Tuesday, I ran errands for an event. Wednesday, I made a meal. Normal life stuff.

After something as simple as showering, I feel like the big bad wolf in "The Three Little Pigs." My lungs huff and they puff. Tweezing my eyebrows is a task large enough to set my heart racing. I am exhausted by 11 am, when all I've done is gotten ready for the day. 

You might be able to relate.

But maybe you have all the energy I wish I had, and I have all the time you wish you had. Even then, we are probably quite similar.

We don't always get what we think we need. In one way or another, we look in the wrong places for security or regained hope. We are humans, and that's what we are prone to do.

I've got a knack for unrealistic expectations.

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday were my stark reminders this week. I know when I've pushed myself, because the pain is always worse the next morning.

I thought a diagnosis and a treatment plan would bring the answer and stability I wanted, but I was wrong. If I am not constantly looking to Jesus, I will always be disappointed.

I am learning healing on earth has not been promised to me by a certain date. It is not something that has a due date, like a library book or a baby.

God does not owe me anything. He has given me everything I need.

Some days, that is very challenging to reconcile with. Other days, I am so full of peace, knowing He is more than enough for me.

God is not a fulfillment service, shipping out our orders and delivering them on our time. We may not understand His ways, but we can stand under His truth. Day after day, He will meet us in our weaknesses—whatever our portion may be.

So, this is where I'm at.

It's not what I thought, but it has been the best for my growth. I am thankful.